Lets get real for a minute

I was thinking. I try not to, but it happens. I always hope for the best, yet prepare for the worst. A rock solid mantra in theory, but not always practical.

Whenever I get sick, I think I'm gonna die. For some reason, I think every cough is bringing me one step closer to the grave. Its a feeling I just can't shake. I don't have a death wish. I enjoy my life and I am in no immediate rush to end it all.

It makes me wonder if I use my diet to bring my demise, sub Consciousness ly (not exactly sure how that word goes together. I'm tired of fighting with the spell check).

This really worries me. Am I trying to kill myself? Do I want to die? Why do I always think I'm dying?

Congrats cake

Well alright!! I got my certificate for making the Dean's List last quarter. Now I just need to get 7 more. I really want to graduate at the top of my class. It is a lot of hard work, but its just something I really need.

I was inspired to write today by a recipe from Paula Deen, a 1-2-3-4 cake. I was always told to use a 2:1 on the flour/sugar mix in a cake but this basic cake recipe can't be beat! 1 cup of butter, 2 cups of sugar, 3 cups of flour and 4 eggs! Its that simple. Add whatever you like and a flavor extract( vanilla, maple, almond, coconut... whatev) and you are good to go. I'm ready to make all kinds of cakes. I think, however, I'm going to start with a homemade pizza dough for dinner tonight.

I See The Light!

Just saying that aloud brings back memories of my days at AAMU! Good times, good times.

*This blog is completely unrelated to the opening statement.*

I have been taking a class in C Programming. Everyone that I have ever known to take programming has taken C++ or C#. Honestly, I'd never heard of C programming code. I assumed there was one simply because I figured you would need a C in order to get C+ or C++, But from what I have learned so far, you prolly don't. Anyways, I cant get a program to work. Nothing I ever write comes out correct. on the very first day, I simply had to copy the written program out of the book and it didn't work. I have spent the past 3 weeks feeling soooooo defeated, but last night my teacher returned some graded work. I got a 100% on the lab and a 96% on the homework. I think I may have a shot!

Touched by GOD... no forreal

I spoke yesterday that I felt like I was touched by God. I think I understand why.... I WAS!

There is a strong possibility I should have died last night. I had a toothache. I took 800mg of ibuprofen and after 20 minutes it did ABSOLUTELY nothing. Still feeling like the pain may force me to pass out, I took 150mg of fast acting acetaminophen, to no avail. To mention it, I need to have a word with the fine people at Excedrin. Any ways, since it had been nearly an hour and I was still in pain, I popped a hydrocodone. In hindsight, I think I should have only taken half of it, but what's done is done. When that combo finally kicked in, the pain washed away and left me nearly dazed.

I haven't slept that well in weeks!

Destined to be Different

This came to me moments ago. Perhaps my mind's way of justifying holding off on my C programming homework, but I was struck, hard by this and I really needed to write. I was designed to be different. I realize our parents and teachers tell us that we are "special" and our differences make us "unique", but tonight I felt a surge within me, like something not of myself.

I have always stood out from my peers, never feeling as though I fit in with my friends or family. From my initials to my upbringing, I've simply been on permanent sore thumb status. It didn't trouble me until my early twenties. I guess I hit some identity crisis or the nearly dying from the allergic reaction, which ever. As I near 30, I've been trying to regain the carefree spirit I embodied as a youth. I didn't care what anyone thought of me and I did what felt right to me, not what society expected of me. I do understand it is difficult to live with childlike enthusiasm with very adult worries and responsibilities, but I had adult worries when I was 10 yrs old. Coping with the difficulties, challenging but not more than I can handle.

What got me writing tonight was this indescribable feeling that washed over me tonight. I was thinking about how important my middle initial is to me and how I really didn't have a reason why. I've heard the "God has a plan for you" speech before, but for some reason tonight... tonight I felt something resonate through me. I need to prepare myself to be used by the Lord. Granted I have zero idea how to prepare seeing as how I don't know what he is going to use me for exactly, but I am going to keep on this path. I will continue to make plans with my education and career until I feel as though He is telling me otherwise.

I finally feel like I am going to right way. Finally on the right path. I feel good. Now I just need to get some health insurance so I can afford to get the medicine that keeps me from be soooo forgetful. Maybe school will be a little easier.